Divorce is difficult on families even in the best of circumstances, but when one party has narcissistic personality disorder, reaching an agreement on issues such as child custody, child support, spousal support, and property distribution can be very difficult. However, divorce mediation with a narcissist is still possible with the help of an experienced mediator.
The divorce mediation lawyers at Schwartz, Fox &Saltzman (SFS) explain why people with narcissistic tendencies complicate the divorce process, how divorce mediation works with a narcissist, how a divorce mediator works with a narcissist, and how you do divorce mediation with a narcissist successfully.
If you suspect your partner has narcissistic traits and you are getting a divorce, you need help finding solutions. SFS Attorneys are ready to help you mediate the issues arising from divorce and find mutually agreeable solutions that are right for your family. Call us today to get started.
How Narcissists Complicate Divorce
Like the Greek god Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection, those with narcissistic personality disorder are obsessed with themselves. Narcissists believe the world revolves around them and care only for their own well-being and happiness. They may be obsessed with how others perceive them or their status.
The most relevant trait of those with narcissistic personality disorder in divorce is their lack of empathy for others. At best, they are indifferent to the needs of others, which can include their own children. At worst, they consider their spouse and children a reflection of themselves and may manipulate them for their own gain.
Can Mediation with a Narcissist Be Effective?
When faced with the prospect of mediating a divorce with a narcissistic spouse, many may question the effectiveness of such a process. However, with the right strategies and an experienced mediator, mediation can provide a structured environment where controlled communication and professional guidance make it possible to address and negotiate complicated issues.
Mediators specialize in de-escalating conflict and can maneuver through the manipulative tactics often employed by narcissists. This approach helps reach a divorce settlement that respects the rights and needs of both parties and preserves the emotional and financial resources that might otherwise be depleted in prolonged litigation.
The Importance of Mediation in High-Conflict Divorces
Mediation helps manage the volatility often present in high-conflict divorces, like when one partner exhibits narcissistic traits. It offers a controlled setting where the power dynamics can be managed by a neutral third party, ensuring that discussions do not escalate into unproductive conflicts. In some cases, we bring in an independent communication specialist to assist in communication between the parties.
Furthermore, mediation can expedite the resolution process, allowing both parties to move forward more quickly than they might in a traditional court setting. This method helps maintain privacy and offers a personalized approach to resolving disputes, which is often crucial in complex emotional and financial matters.
Unique Challenges in Dealing with a Narcissist During Mediation
Lack of empathy and self-absorption are not the least of the hindrances to coming to an agreement with a narcissist in divorce mediation. A narcissist is likely to view mediation as a contest or a game they must win, and they may be inflexible. An experienced divorce mediator will attempt to work around this tendency by strategically re-framing issues so someone determined to get a certain result may become open to compromise.
Emotional Manipulation & Its Impact on the Mediation Process
Emotional manipulation is a common tactic used by narcissists during mediation. This may manifest as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or shifting blame, which can derail the mediation process and cloud judgment.
An adept mediator recognizes these tactics and helps maintain focus on the facts and equitable outcomes, ensuring that emotional manipulation does not compromise the integrity of the mediation.
Power Imbalances & Control Issues
In divorce mediation involving a narcissist, power imbalances often become prominent, with one party attempting to dominate discussions and decision-making. This can create an atmosphere where the less dominant party feels overwhelmed or coerced.
Skilled mediators address these imbalances by ensuring equal participation, a voice for both parties and actively neutralizing control dynamics that could otherwise influence the fairness of the mediation.
Going Through Divorce Mediation with a Narcissist
Mediating the issues arising from divorce is uniquely challenging when one of the parties has narcissistic tendencies. You need a divorce mediation lawyer who has experience working with people with narcissistic issues, and you need a strategy to ensure your voice gets heard and you get the best result for your family.
The Role of an Experienced Mediator
An experienced mediator plays a major role in divorce mediation involving a narcissist by facilitating constructive dialogue and ensuring a balanced negotiation process. Such mediators are adept at recognizing and countering the manipulative tactics employed by narcissists, which can often skew the mediation dynamics.
The mediator’s expertise in maintaining a neutral stance and enforcing fair rules of engagement is key to achieving equitable resolutions.
Steps to Take Before Entering Mediation with a Narcissist
Thorough preparation is essential when preparing for mediation with a narcissist. By setting the stage correctly, you can safeguard your interests and ensure a smoother mediation process. Here are four steps to consider:
- Gather Documentation: Compile all relevant documents such as financial statements, property deeds, and past communication records. These will be vital in substantiating your claims and positions.
- Consult with Your Mediator: Discuss strategies and expectations with your mediator. Understanding the mediation process and planning your approach can help you stay one step ahead.
- Set Personal Boundaries: Determine what you are willing to compromise on and what is non-negotiable. Clear boundaries can prevent confusion and protect your core interests during negotiations.
- Prepare Mentally and Emotionally: Mediating with a narcissist can be draining. Ensure you are mentally and emotionally prepared for the challenges that may arise.
Tips on Preparing for a Successful Divorce or Child Custody Mediation with a Narcissist
There are certain strategies you should keep in mind if you are divorcing a person with narcissistic behavior, both to get the best results for your family, to keep the best interests of your child at the forefront, and to maintain your peace of mind. Preparing for custody mediation with a narcissist involves specific strategies for working around the tendencies of the narcissistic parent. These strategies work for both custody and divorce mediation with a narcissist, so work with your mediator to ensure a successful outcome.
1. Limit Interaction Outside of Mediation
If possible, avoid interacting with your spouse while you are not in mediation. Without the presence and influence of your divorce mediator, they may try to bully you or manipulate you into capitulating to their demands.
2. Establish Boundaries
Before entering the mediation room, define what behaviors you will tolerate and the lines you will not allow to be crossed. This preparation helps in maintaining a sense of control and ensures that the mediation does not devolve into personal attacks or emotional manipulations.
Be prepared to enforce these boundaries consistently throughout the mediation process, with the support of your mediator, to keep discussions focused and productive.
3. Avoid Playing Their Game
A person with narcissistic issues views divorce mediation or child custody disputes as a battle or a game to win or lose, with no middle ground. Do not react to their lack of flexibility. Let the divorce mediator do their job in guiding your spouse to possible acceptable solutions to the issues arising from divorce.
4. Try to Stay Calm & Stay Professional
Someone with narcissistic tendencies loves to control others and will attempt to bully, manipulate, or otherwise goad you into an emotional response. Recognize this for what it is and refuse to take the bait. Let your divorce mediation lawyer interact with your spouse.
5. Focus on Your Goals Rather Than Narcissistic Actions
It’s easy to get sidetracked by the provocative behaviors of a narcissist, but it’s crucial to stay focused on your ultimate goals during mediation. Concentrate on what you need to achieve from the mediation, such as fair custody arrangements or equitable asset division. This focus helps in directing discussions toward constructive outcomes and prevents narcissistic behavior from derailing the process.
By keeping your objectives clear, you empower yourself to negotiate effectively, making decisions based on your family’s needs rather than reacting to provocations.
6. Document Everything
If your spouse is behaving poorly outside divorce mediation, be sure to keep a log of it. For example, if your spouse is depleting the joint bank account, trying to influence your children against you, failing to pay joint bills they have responsibility for or any other selfish acts, you must document the occurrence and bring it up in divorce mediation. It may be that not every issue arising from your divorce can be resolved through mediation, and you want to have a record of your spouse’s behavior if you must go to court.
7. Stay Persistent
There will likely be setbacks as the narcissistic party may try various tactics to undermine the process or to test your resolve. Stay committed to the mediation process and your goals, and don’t be discouraged by attempts to intimidate or frustrate you. Consistency in your approach and firmness in your stance can eventually lead to a breakthrough, making it possible to reach an agreement that safeguards the interests of you and your family.
The Impact of Narcissistic Behaviors on Children & Custody Arrangements
Narcissistic behaviors can deeply affect children and significantly influence custody arrangements. Children who are exposed to a narcissistic parent often face confusion and emotional stress, as they may witness manipulative behaviors or become pawns in the parent’s self-serving strategies.
It is important for the non-narcissistic parent to advocate for custody arrangements that prioritize the mental and emotional health of the children. This might include supervised visitations or tailored communication strategies to protect the children from potential harm. During custody mediation, presenting evidence of these behaviors and their impacts is key to keeping the children’s best interests at the center of all decisions.
Post-Mediation Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissist
After reaching an agreement in mediation with a narcissist, it’s important to implement strategies that maintain boundaries and enforce the terms set during the mediation. Continue documenting interactions and compliance with the mediation agreement, as narcissists may attempt to test limits or disregard agreed-upon terms.
Having a clear, structured communication plan in place is advisable, limiting direct contact to avoid conflicts and manipulations. Utilize legal and therapeutic resources to support adherence to the agreement and address any breaches promptly. Consistent enforcement of the mediation outcome can help manage ongoing interactions with a narcissistic ex-spouse effectively.
Finding a Divorce Mediator
You must be comfortable disclosing and discussing very personal issues with your divorce mediation lawyer, so be sure to determine that when you meet with them initially. During your first meeting, a good divorce mediator lawyer explains the mediation process, asks you both what you are having trouble agreeing on, and gets a sense of whether divorce mediation is a possible solution for you.
If you are divorcing someone you suspect has issues with narcissism, call the experienced divorce lawyers at SFS Attorneys for help. We have been helping families in the Philadelphia area through divorce for over forty years. We can help you too.
Contact Schwartz, Fox & Saltzman, LLC. To Schedule an Appointment
With over 40 years of practice, Schwartz, Fox & Saltzman, LLC. has a well-established history of serving the Greater Philadelphia area. Our team of family law and divorce attorneys is committed to providing effective solutions personalized to your needs.
Contact Schwartz, Fox & Saltzman, LLC. today to schedule a free consultation with one of our divorce lawyers.